Everyone experiences life in their own way.
Everyone responds in their own way.
I was born tender and soft-spoken.
I was born considerate and loving.
I was raised eager to please with a belief in fairness.
Life is beautiful but she is neither easy nor fair.
She battered me left and right.
She demanded that I toughen up. So, I did.
She demanded that I have a strong voice. So, I put steel in my spine and in my voice.
She took all I eagerly gave and was not pleased. So, I learnt that my pleasure was mine to create and to safeguard.
She demanded that I learn that she is not fair. So, I learnt my two legs were to stand for myself.
She demanded that I learn that there is no calvary. So, I learnt to be a warrior. The hardest of the hard.
She demanded that I learn that trust can be a fool’s enterprise. So, I learnt to distrust.
It felt like victory. It was victory. I was victorious… for a moment.
For a moment I forgot that she does not play fair.
She made sure that that moment soon passed.
Now she demands that I forget my victory.
We are beyond the battle for survival.
A new battle is afoot. A battle for a new kind of softness; Firm with the flexibility of bamboo and the tensile strength of steel.
I must learn a firm kind of softness.
I must learn how to recognise it.
I must learn to sit with it and in it.
I must learn to let it in.
I must learn to trust it.
I must learn to let it push down my walls. A terrifying thought.
She says the fortified walls I built in defense must come down to let the softness in.
The right kind of softness.
After all that hard work of sealing myself safely inside, now she tells me that I can not fully live and be sealed safely within my walls. I can only have one of the two.
It’s a different kind of hard.
A soft kind of hard with the flexibility of bamboo and the tensile strength of steel.
It’s new all over again because life is beautiful.
She simply doesn’t play fair.